Virtual Interview Tips for Depressives

Great news! You got that interview you half-ass applied for last month. You’re probably thinking about clicking off your phone, rolling over in bed, and ghosting on these people. But now you don’t have to, because we’ve created a list of tips that are sure to paint you in better, more “sane” light.

Top 10 Video Interview Tips for Depressives

1. Get out of bed for the interview. (If you have the energy.) Don’t over do it now, but if you can summon the energy, try to move your physical being to the couch or a seat at the kitchen table. If this sounds too painful, just get into an upright position and pat the pillows out of view. Hey, at least you don’t have to go out into society, am I right?

2. Shower for the camera or use a filter.

This is just common social media etiquette. Two rules: No wet hair and no branded content.

3. Wear a nice top and don’t let the camera show below the belt.

Now’s the time to switch the snuggy to a blazer. If you can find a robe that looks like a blazer, feel free to wear that. Honestly, who gives a fuck about fashion anymore?

4. Close the porn tabs Just in case you hit the screen-share button.

You can never be too careful, especially when you’re into those categories.

5. Turn off the Elliot Smith

You can turn it on as soon as the interview is over. Pinky promise.

6. Try not to sigh, nail-bite, or dissociate during the call.

We didn’t think it was necessary to include nose picking, since that’s common sense, but it’s your life. Your life, your ticks. Who are they to judge?

7. Drink caffeine or take an upper so you don’t fall asleep during the call.

Hit up that adderall connection and wash the french press that’s been sitting under the pile of dishes in your sink since February. Plus, sipping on coffee during the call will keep your trichotillomania in check.

8. Don’t mention any ID Network specials.

Fight the urge to discuss The Staircase or your insatiable hatred for Chris Watts. No matter how fucked up that episode of Twisted Sisters was, now is not the time nor the place to recount the gory details. Save them for reddit or your discord community.

9. Avoid existential topics.

We understand your emptiness, but not everyone else will. Look at it this way: Would you tell a kid that Santa isn’t real? No. So don’t shatter the blissful ignorance of others. Let them keep on thinking that freewill isn’t an illusion. Don’t make waves.

10. Reward yourself post-call with a 3 hour nap.

Eye on the prize, baby. Slap that laptop shut and dive back into that blissful mattress casket.

Remember, millennials are supposed to be hopeless and empty because of student loan debt and the trauma of terrorism and school shootings. Covid-19 is another reason to stare into the void. Don’t feel guilty about it!